Welp…It’s been 13 months since my last post. Given the year we’ve all been through, I’m long overdue. 2020, to say the least, has been hard, not only for me, but for millions around the world. It’s been a battle on so many fronts, we as a whole could not have anticipated or prepared for this. I was able to spend a little bit of time with family and friends, unfortunately, for the wrong reasons. I have struggled and continue to struggle. As usual, I’ll try not to get into too many details. This blog is to help me release.

​ We’ve witnessed and continue to witness history. We’re living history. Unfortunately, I think we all wish we were not. I know I wish that we were living history in the fact that we experienced prosperity, peace and hope. 2020 has tested everyone, including me…to a point I’d like to forget. We’ve had, obviously, the worst pandemic in the last century. We’ve had social, racial and political unrest. All of which, in my mind, is absolutely crazy in this day and age. It reminds me of the quote from one R. King, ‘Can’t we all just get along?’ 

​ This year has been particularly hard for me, for all the reasons I mentioned and more. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for most of life. This year has tested my resolve and sanity. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m looked at as Mr. Fix-it. A title inherited and learned from my Dad. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to fix much recently. 

​ First…the pandemic. It is real. It is horrible. If it hasn’t affected you personally, it will. Over 300k lives lost. Those are family members, friends and coworkers. I find myself constantly worrying that I might get a call telling me that someone close to me has contracted it. I’ve had family members, friends and coworkers affected with the virus. I have my closest loved ones that are at high risk. I constantly worry about them. I have a wife and kids. I never stop worrying about them. We all hope and pray for normalcy. Will it ever return? What will normal even look like? I wish I could fix it.

​ Second…political, social and racial unrest. Again, it is real. If you disagree, you’re delusional. This isn’t new. It’s only been forced to the forefront for all of us this year. Everyone that knows me well, understands that I don’t talk about religion, politics, race, etc. That’s part of the problem. This isn’t the post to elaborate on those subjects, but I have struggled emotionally with what our country has gone through and continues to battle through. It’s sad that we have to go through this. It’s ludicrous.  We need to be better. I hope to help fix it.

​ Third…everyday life. It has changed in many ways, with everything that has gone down this year. I continue to have a career with a company that is extremely demanding. It’s a company that provides, but demands more. Again, a conversation that I can delve into more later. 2020 though…this is an ongoing battle. One day, I will fix it.

Fourth…I lost my brother. This is something I still can’t wrap my head around. I lost my brother. It can’t be real. As the holidays are upon us, I struggle to know that I won’t hear from him. We won’t share stupid and disturbing jokes. We won’t rip on each other or talk old times. I lost my brother. I think about him daily. I’ve been able to see the affect he has had on others. I’ve met and become friends with his friends. He still makes us all laugh when we talk and reminisce. Still, I can’t get over it…I lost my brother. Something I can’t fix.

Add in an unexpected move, in the middle of a pandemic and health issues that returned…it has piled on.

​ Anxiety and depression is real. A constant battle. Those that know me and even those closest to me, may not see it. I hide it, probably too well at times…maybe most of the time. I’m always willing to help and make sure the people I love are taken care of. I also realize that in order to ensure that, I have to take care of myself. That’s something I’ve battled consistently. Where do I draw the line? When do I put me first? What can I fix?

​So, as the battle of 2020 comes to end, I have hope for 2021…but know the war rages on, internally, emotionally and mentally. And 2020 can kiss my ass.

First of all, I have neglected posting anything for several weeks and I can tell…mentally. Back to my weekly rants and visions. My weekly reminder to myself to laugh as much as possible and cry at least once, everyday.

I recently was reminded of the power of positivity…and the power of negativity. I look at this like the force from Star Wars. Use the force, but beware of the power of the dark side.

I was able to travel back to my home state of Michigan for a few days. My older brother was visiting from overseas. My cousin was getting married, which a lot of family planned to attend. The better half and I attended a Detroit Lions game (#OnePride). This was the basic premise of the trip.

As usual, my stress level spiked leading up to the trip. I don’t stress about traveling much. I stress about work and making sure things go smooth while I’m gone. I struggle to ‘shut it off’ when I take time off. I admit, I rarely, truly take time off. I still monitor and engage, which is something I need to change. But that is not the purpose of this post tonight. This trip was a reminder of the little things that mean so much more.

My family, on both my mother’s and father’s side, is group of wonderful people. Everyone is unique in their own way and they leave an impression on you every time you’re around them. This trip was family from my mother’s side. They’re a crazy fun bunch. We’re like most families. Nobody is perfect (though I’m damn close). We have our share of drama and craziness.

There is one thing that, at least to me, sets them apart. Whether they realize it or not, they have a knack of building you up and opening your eyes (actually keeping your eyes open), to what’s important. Like I said, we have our share of family drama. We have our crazy aunts and uncles. Siblings that are deadly with silverware. Cousins that don’t seem to have a care in the world.

We were all excited to see each other. We looked forward to welcoming a new member to the freak show with big wedding night. Over a period of about 48 hours, we managed to share our frustrations, stresses, sadness and accomplishments with each other. We’ve had our fair share of sadness and struggles over the past couple of years. The noticeable part to me was how good I felt just being around them…all of them. They constantly build you up. They support. They tell you, you can. They tell you, you will. They offer help. They offer support. They offer to beat someone’s ass if you need it. They give you a hug with that extra little squeeze that takes just a little more stress away. They listen intently to your stories, struggles and jokes. They give you a smile that is genuine. They make you laugh and laugh with you, which everyone needs more of.

Now, over the years, I’ve been beaten and ‘seduced’ by the dark side…the negativity. I had the opposite power that instead of building me up, really broke me down. It took me a long time to realize what the dark side really did to me and it took even longer to build myself back up. The dark side made me think that I wasn’t worthy: I couldn’t: I wouldn’t. I was controlled. I’ll never drift that far to the dark side again. It’s a lonely place. It’s a desperate place. It’s a dark place. Negativity can turn you in a heartbeat. It can weigh on you and bury you in a hole. I’m proof of that.

I have my rock at home(Jo), but was reminded of so many more. I was reminded that I have a foundation. I have the force that is there when needed. I have siblings, parents, a wife, aunts, uncles and crazy-ass cousins that will be there, even if I only get to see many them every couple of years. A short visit helped me mentally, more that they may know. I hope that I have the same influence on them.

Be the good. Stay away from the dark side. Realize and remember that when a sibling tells you just do it…you can. When a cousin says go for it…go. When a parent looks you in the eye and says they do have great kids and are proud of them…its ok to cry happy tears. When your wife takes you by the hand at your most vulnerable moments and says I love you…love them back.

May the force be with you.

I’ve thought about this question so many times. If you travel back in time to give yourself guidance, in five minutes, what would you say? Oh the thoughts that streamed through my head. There’s no way five minutes would be enough.

Where would I start for crying out loud? So many decisions that are wrong when you’re young. So many stupid mistakes. Don’t try to make that jump. Don’t do another shot (I never did). Don’t kiss that girl. Don’t spend the money. Work out more. Invest more. Don’t piss off that dog. Don’t piss off that cop. Hell, I’m pretty sure every adult has thought or said, if my parents knew half the crap I did when I was young, they would have killed me.

And then there’s money. Save it. Invest it. Plan, plan, plan. I remember when I got my first credit card. Man, I was an idiot. I quickly learned about credit, lol. I think I’m still an idiot. I tell my kids, do what I tell you, not what I do.

I’ve thought long and hard. The more I thought, the more my mind found itself in the abyss of memories that I had forgotten about….some good, some bad. Do I have any regrets? My first thought is, absolutely. Tell yourself to avoid those! But…are they really regrets? I’m not sure I’ll ever definitively have an answer for that.

Five minutes. Five oh so precious minutes. There are so many things to share, but honestly, how much would I want to change. Everything that has happened to me, has made me who I am. Do I want to be someone different? No. Could I influence myself enough in five minutes to ensure I’m rich when I return? Probably not. I’ll keep my retirement plan hinged on winning the PowerBall. Any week now…its mine.

I decided there’s five things I would tell myself:

1. Love more (and show it). This includes communicating it in different ways. I never told my siblings how hard it was for me when they moved out after high school. I never explained to my parents how difficult their divorce was for me. I don’t tell anyone, nearly enough, how much I love them. I try to love more. I try to show it. I’m a guy. I hope someday, my kids know that I need them more than they need me.

2. Never stop learning. When I was young, I always was willing and strived to learn new things. Over the years, I think I’ve slacked off a bit. I’ve become complacent at times. You get in that rut that is difficult to climb out of. I need to get out of my comfort zone and seek out new things. It’s invigorating and motivating.

3. Laugh constantly. I’m about as laid back as they come and I like it that way. I have a father that has a knack for making people laugh. A trait he has passed on to his crazy kids. Laughter may not cure everything, but it sure as hell helps. I go out of my way to try to make employees laugh at least once when I’m around them. Most of them try to do the same for me. It helps. It makes difficult days easier. It makes people feel like you care.

4. Do more for yourself. Another trait I think I’ve gotten from my father. He’s always looked out for others before thinking of himself. I think I’ve got that down pat. Something I’ve learned, but sometimes forget, you need to do what is good for you. Do more of the things you love to do. Take a break from things that are stressing. You can’t please everyone all the time. Slow down, take a deep breath and relax. Stop thinking so much.

5. Listen. This doesn’t mean just hearing. It also mean paying attention to your surroundings more. Pay attention to the people you love. Sometimes their manuerisms and actions speak more than they’re willing to say. Pay attention to your dreams and nightmares (a topic for another time). I think if I listen more, it will only help me to love more, learn, laugh and yes…help me to realize I need me time.

I’ve been told probably hundreds of times I’m a very laid back, patient and calm person. My thought is I just hide it well. There are obviously certain things that would bother me more than others. There are also those bad days that seemingly anything can get you going. I’ve had a lot of those over the past couple of years.

The past two years have been a battle. Health issues that turned into nightmares (literally), several deaths in the family, the extreme stress I have with my career and becoming an empty nester. All of these things have contributed to my stress level, which I feel, directly affects my level of anxiety and at times…depression.

The obstacles that we have battled through the past two years have taken tolls in different ways. I think so often, ‘When am I gonna get a break?’ It always seems like the minute I break through one obstacle, another one pops up. When does it end? Will this be my routine for the rest of my life? Will I always have the feeling that the little black cloud will always follow? Don’t get me wrong, I will never stop fighting. The fight gets tiresome though. Always being Mr. Fix It for others gets old at times.

I do feel that I don’t have the patience I once had. I have days like today. I received a phone call from an employee that had an issue. It wasn’t anything big and could be handled quickly….but I was short and snapped at him. There was no reason for it and he didn’t deserve it. Further yet, he apologized for bothering me. It didn’t take but minute to realize what I just did. The more I think about, I can pinpoint several similar instances like this with employees, my wife, even people at the damn grocery store.

So is it anxiety or a lack of patience? I think both.

How do I battle this? Being short tempered and having no patience really isn’t me. I want to feel like the guy everyone says I am.

I’ve tried meditation, which was recommended to me, and it has helped. I would love more ideas on what others may do to deal with stress. I’m trying to be more active like I used to, but like so many, time makes it difficult. I work on average, 14-15 hours a day. Yes, that is too much. I need ideas to get out of the rut that life and I have dragged myself into.

Throw em at me guys.

Another conversation I had with Joann this weekend…how do I want to be remembered. That question is a bit vague. I guess it’s what you’d like people to say about you when you’re not around. What would they say or think about you when you’re gone? What will your legacy be?

The answer could be so many different things to anyone. Do I want to be remembered as a good father? Successful (this is something I’ll post about another time)? Someone that has overcome? Someone with integrity?

I could go in several different directions with this. It’s difficult to say, in one sentence, how I’d like to be remembered…or is it? This is something that I’ve thought about for many years. I’ve thought about my accomplishments, my battles, my dreams. How can I decide what my legacy will be? Thinking about it has made me ponder so many different things. In a way, it’s been self-reflection. It’s made me question myself. It’s made me laugh. It’s made me cry. Cry…something I do at least once a day. I admit it…but more conversations about that later.

Long, drawn-out, sometimes painful self-reflection and I have realized my preferred ‘legacy’.

I remembered a time, almost 20 years ago (damn that makes me sound old), when I had a boss that was constantly pushing me to do more, to strive for more. His name was Mike. He saw something in me that I did not see at the time. He constantly built me up and explained what I was capable of. He changed my train of thought on what I wanted to do and what I could become. It not only affected my work, but also my personal life. When I left that job, I was not in a high position nor had I received much as far as promotions. I did, however, accomplish a lot. I led training groups. I became chairperson of different committees. I became the spokesperson of the division I was a part of, which led to television interviews and demonstrations. All of which, I never looked to achieve before that influence.

When I moved on from that position, they threw me a going-away party. Mind you, I only worked at this organization for about 6 years. I was given awards and people spoke about me…Me! At the time, I didn’t feel it was warranted. During the presentations for me, that same boss, along with the city mayor, presented me with a plaque. Honestly, giving someone a plaque after 6 years of service? Why? The last comment they gave has stuck with me and always will. It has become the legacy I want to be forever remembered for…even if it’s only remembered by one person. That last comment was, ‘Thank you for making a difference”.

At the time, I didn’t realize how much that really meant. Over the years, I have grown. I’ve battled. I’ve failed. I’ve succeeded. I didn’t get through any of it without the help and influence of others. All of the lost battles…all of the battles won, have led me back to the one that one thought. Did I make a difference? I realize that I won’t end up a billionaire…though my goal of retiring very comfortably still hinge on me winning the Powerball at some point.

I honestly hope that, when I’m gone, people say that I made a difference. My kids, family, friends, coworkers and hopefully more…will they say that I made a difference? My efforts to work towards my legacy are what I strive for. It’s what motivates me to be successful…in life.

So I ask you…what will be your legacy?

My better half and I got on the topic of favorite movies a couple of times this weekend. We both threw some titles out there. We quickly came to the conclusion that there isn’t just one. Some were consensus, some not so much. The conversation started with what our favorite movie was. There can only be a list.

So…I’ll start with my top 25, I mean 35…looks like it’s 50. This is not in any order, because I can’t even rank them in my mind. Let me know if you disagree, if I’ve missed any, etc. We’ll debate.

1. Braveheart

2. Shawshank Redemption

3. The Green Mile

4. Wizard of Oz

5. Grease

6. 300

7. Signs

8. The Patriot

9. The Lord of the Rings trilogy

10. Star Wars (all of them)

11. Breakfast Club

12. Gladiator

13. Forest Gump

14. Dumb and Dumber (Don’t judge me. This brings back memories of watching with my friends. I also know several people that could’ve starred in this movie)

15. Pearl Harbor

16. Goodfellas

17. Glory

18. Remember the Titans

19. Rudy (every football fan loves it)

20. The Godfather

21. Fight Club

22. Rocky

23. Bohemian Rapsody

24. Born on the 4th of July

25. Harry Potter (yes I’m a Potter nut. Go to Universal. You’ll love it too)

26. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (the Original. The new one is demented and creeps me out)

27. Interview with a Vampire

28. Titanic

29. The Shining (scared the f*** out of me when I was young. Had to deliver papers to an apartment complex that looked like the hallways from this movie. Papers were left at the steps)

30. Bourne Supremacy

31. Indiana Jones trilogy

32. Unbroken

33. Platoon

34. Saving Private Ryan

35. Crimson Tide

36. Scrooged

37. Sixth Sense

38. Seven

39. Mrs. Doubtfire (one of the greatest comedians of all time)

40. The Sound of Music

41. I am Legend

42. Diehard

43. Back to the Future

44. Pulp Fiction

45. The Matrix

46. Silence of the Lambs

47. E.T.

48. The Goonies (if you don’t like the Goonies, you’re nothing to me)

49. Avatar

50. Scarface

I found an article on Facebook about this and it made me think. To tell you the truth, it made me think of memories I’d like to forget and not rekindle. I’ve been through only a couple of long term relationships in my life (other than my current marriage, which is extremely strong). Those relationships didn’t turn out that great. Anyone that is close to me knows that my divorce from my ex-wife was….well I’m not sure I can put only one word to it. I’ll give a little background without too much detail.

My high school and college years were fun. I had great friends and good times (probably too much fun at times). I did have aspirations of starting a family at, what I consider, an early age of 21. I met the ‘one’ and I was blessed with two beautiful children and a step-child, who I adore and always will.

Soon after my youngest was born, things changed. The relationship soured and grew distant. I won’t get into too many details as my intent is not to call people out and bash them here. That has never been an intent of mine. What I can say is the relationship went downhill quickly. I had a hunch and nightmares (nightmares/dreams will be something I talk about another time) of an unfaithful spouse, which I eventually learned to be true. I struggled with it. I struggled with it more than I could’ve imagined.

We moved across the country to sunny Florida and I thought that the change would be a benefit to our relationship and our family. Things did improve, but only for a few months. Things quickly rolled downhill again. I found myself struggling more and more with the situation and felt strongly that I had failed. I failed at building and keeping a family. I questioned myself in every aspect. Maybe I wasn’t ready, I was too young, I wasn’t strong enough. It didn’t help that I never received compliments. In fact, it was the opposite. I was belittled, talked down to and made to feel inadequate in so many ways. I quickly found myself to be battered and broken, no matter how anyone could look at it.

Obviously, divorce was the result. Even that process started amicable, but quickly took a turn for the worse…for me. I lost everything I had worked for…my home, cars, material items….my family. My kids were used as pawns. All the while, I felt it was being rubbed in my face. I moved out of the house I worked so hard for and into an apartment, but was soon evicted for late rent payments and lived out of my truck for almost 6 months. I stayed with friends on the weekends when I had my kids.

My sense of failure and downhill spiral took its toll. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I blew off friends off that tried to help. I stopped talking to family. It affected my health. I seemed to be sick more often, with constant headaches. The stress was so intense. How could I fail at something I worked so hard to get?

The depression, anxiety and stress was so bad that I had a massive panic attack. One that was so bad, it put me into cardiac arrest. Even the time in the hospital was stressful. Again, my intent is not to bash others here, but….good lord! How much can one person take?

I’m as laid back as they come. I’m my father’s son. I get along with everyone and love to smile. Love to laugh. Well…the toll was, I thought, more than I could deal with at the time and for several weeks, I contemplated suicide. Suicide…me? Until now, I’ve only told a couple of people about this, and those people only learned of this in the past couple of months. It’s something I’ve been afraid to share, even almost 15 years later. This may shock some. It still shocks me. It still makes me cry. Writing about it makes me cry.

It took me a few years to get past the stress and depression… the hole that I was in. It took counseling, medication, self-reflection and soul searching. I can say, if it wasn’t for my kids, I may have gone through with it. I had support from friends and family, but they never knew just how low I reached. They all deserved better.

So…PTSD from a relationship? I think so. I was lucky. I got past the thoughts of suicide. I got past the thoughts of failure. I learned that you need to lean on others, no matter how much pride you have. No matter how much you don’t want others to see you as weak. I’ve been called Mr. Fix It…but I can’t fix everything, not even myself. Not alone anyway. Take advantage of those that love you. Take advantage of those that want to help and support. Those people are a precious commodity that should always be cherished.

So why did I start this? To talk. To vent. To release. To help. I’m a guy. Where and when do guys really ‘talk’ and reveal what they really feel? When they’re sitting at the bar for a few drinks…hence, Bar Talk. I’ve struggled (and continue to struggle with some) over the years with a lot different things….stress, depression, divorce, socialization (really?, you might think), dreams/nightmares. This is the place for me to talk, vent, and release. I hope that talking about my demons (everyone has them), I can help myself and at least one other person. I will try to talk about a different topic, experience or ‘episode’ each week. PLEASE comment, engage, or even criticize. Don’t hesitate to vent yourself, talk about your own demons or even criticize me. I’m not looking for pity or mercy, just a way to release and find peace.