PTSD from Staying in an Emotionally Damaging Relationship?

I found an article on Facebook about this and it made me think. To tell you the truth, it made me think of memories I’d like to forget and not rekindle. I’ve been through only a couple of long term relationships in my life (other than my current marriage, which is extremely strong). Those relationships didn’t turn out that great. Anyone that is close to me knows that my divorce from my ex-wife was….well I’m not sure I can put only one word to it. I’ll give a little background without too much detail.

My high school and college years were fun. I had great friends and good times (probably too much fun at times). I did have aspirations of starting a family at, what I consider, an early age of 21. I met the ‘one’ and I was blessed with two beautiful children and a step-child, who I adore and always will.

Soon after my youngest was born, things changed. The relationship soured and grew distant. I won’t get into too many details as my intent is not to call people out and bash them here. That has never been an intent of mine. What I can say is the relationship went downhill quickly. I had a hunch and nightmares (nightmares/dreams will be something I talk about another time) of an unfaithful spouse, which I eventually learned to be true. I struggled with it. I struggled with it more than I could’ve imagined.

We moved across the country to sunny Florida and I thought that the change would be a benefit to our relationship and our family. Things did improve, but only for a few months. Things quickly rolled downhill again. I found myself struggling more and more with the situation and felt strongly that I had failed. I failed at building and keeping a family. I questioned myself in every aspect. Maybe I wasn’t ready, I was too young, I wasn’t strong enough. It didn’t help that I never received compliments. In fact, it was the opposite. I was belittled, talked down to and made to feel inadequate in so many ways. I quickly found myself to be battered and broken, no matter how anyone could look at it.

Obviously, divorce was the result. Even that process started amicable, but quickly took a turn for the worse…for me. I lost everything I had worked for…my home, cars, material items….my family. My kids were used as pawns. All the while, I felt it was being rubbed in my face. I moved out of the house I worked so hard for and into an apartment, but was soon evicted for late rent payments and lived out of my truck for almost 6 months. I stayed with friends on the weekends when I had my kids.

My sense of failure and downhill spiral took its toll. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I blew off friends off that tried to help. I stopped talking to family. It affected my health. I seemed to be sick more often, with constant headaches. The stress was so intense. How could I fail at something I worked so hard to get?

The depression, anxiety and stress was so bad that I had a massive panic attack. One that was so bad, it put me into cardiac arrest. Even the time in the hospital was stressful. Again, my intent is not to bash others here, but….good lord! How much can one person take?

I’m as laid back as they come. I’m my father’s son. I get along with everyone and love to smile. Love to laugh. Well…the toll was, I thought, more than I could deal with at the time and for several weeks, I contemplated suicide. Suicide…me? Until now, I’ve only told a couple of people about this, and those people only learned of this in the past couple of months. It’s something I’ve been afraid to share, even almost 15 years later. This may shock some. It still shocks me. It still makes me cry. Writing about it makes me cry.

It took me a few years to get past the stress and depression… the hole that I was in. It took counseling, medication, self-reflection and soul searching. I can say, if it wasn’t for my kids, I may have gone through with it. I had support from friends and family, but they never knew just how low I reached. They all deserved better.

So…PTSD from a relationship? I think so. I was lucky. I got past the thoughts of suicide. I got past the thoughts of failure. I learned that you need to lean on others, no matter how much pride you have. No matter how much you don’t want others to see you as weak. I’ve been called Mr. Fix It…but I can’t fix everything, not even myself. Not alone anyway. Take advantage of those that love you. Take advantage of those that want to help and support. Those people are a precious commodity that should always be cherished.