The Battle of 2020

Welp…It’s been 13 months since my last post. Given the year we’ve all been through, I’m long overdue. 2020, to say the least, has been hard, not only for me, but for millions around the world. It’s been a battle on so many fronts, we as a whole could not have anticipated or prepared for this. I was able to spend a little bit of time with family and friends, unfortunately, for the wrong reasons. I have struggled and continue to struggle. As usual, I’ll try not to get into too many details. This blog is to help me release.

​ We’ve witnessed and continue to witness history. We’re living history. Unfortunately, I think we all wish we were not. I know I wish that we were living history in the fact that we experienced prosperity, peace and hope. 2020 has tested everyone, including me…to a point I’d like to forget. We’ve had, obviously, the worst pandemic in the last century. We’ve had social, racial and political unrest. All of which, in my mind, is absolutely crazy in this day and age. It reminds me of the quote from one R. King, ‘Can’t we all just get along?’ 

​ This year has been particularly hard for me, for all the reasons I mentioned and more. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for most of life. This year has tested my resolve and sanity. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m looked at as Mr. Fix-it. A title inherited and learned from my Dad. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to fix much recently. 

​ First…the pandemic. It is real. It is horrible. If it hasn’t affected you personally, it will. Over 300k lives lost. Those are family members, friends and coworkers. I find myself constantly worrying that I might get a call telling me that someone close to me has contracted it. I’ve had family members, friends and coworkers affected with the virus. I have my closest loved ones that are at high risk. I constantly worry about them. I have a wife and kids. I never stop worrying about them. We all hope and pray for normalcy. Will it ever return? What will normal even look like? I wish I could fix it.

​ Second…political, social and racial unrest. Again, it is real. If you disagree, you’re delusional. This isn’t new. It’s only been forced to the forefront for all of us this year. Everyone that knows me well, understands that I don’t talk about religion, politics, race, etc. That’s part of the problem. This isn’t the post to elaborate on those subjects, but I have struggled emotionally with what our country has gone through and continues to battle through. It’s sad that we have to go through this. It’s ludicrous.  We need to be better. I hope to help fix it.

​ Third…everyday life. It has changed in many ways, with everything that has gone down this year. I continue to have a career with a company that is extremely demanding. It’s a company that provides, but demands more. Again, a conversation that I can delve into more later. 2020 though…this is an ongoing battle. One day, I will fix it.

Fourth…I lost my brother. This is something I still can’t wrap my head around. I lost my brother. It can’t be real. As the holidays are upon us, I struggle to know that I won’t hear from him. We won’t share stupid and disturbing jokes. We won’t rip on each other or talk old times. I lost my brother. I think about him daily. I’ve been able to see the affect he has had on others. I’ve met and become friends with his friends. He still makes us all laugh when we talk and reminisce. Still, I can’t get over it…I lost my brother. Something I can’t fix.

Add in an unexpected move, in the middle of a pandemic and health issues that returned…it has piled on.

​ Anxiety and depression is real. A constant battle. Those that know me and even those closest to me, may not see it. I hide it, probably too well at times…maybe most of the time. I’m always willing to help and make sure the people I love are taken care of. I also realize that in order to ensure that, I have to take care of myself. That’s something I’ve battled consistently. Where do I draw the line? When do I put me first? What can I fix?

​So, as the battle of 2020 comes to end, I have hope for 2021…but know the war rages on, internally, emotionally and mentally. And 2020 can kiss my ass.